fait Accompli

noun: A thing that has already happened or been decided before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept it.

Woke up early this morning (12:38AM) to a bright light streaming through the tent walls. I unzipped the tent to see what it was and noticed it was the fire that was flaring up even though it had faded considerably since I’d crawled into my bag 3-4 hours earlier. I said, “Oh, it’s only the fire”. I was halted by the words, “it’s only the fire”. At that moment, a phrase came to me that had never been uttered by my lips and I did not know its meaning. “fait accompli” I said aloud. I kept repeating it until I was compelled to look it up and then was stunned by the definition above. Was I given no option but to accept that fire was only fire? Had I become so desensitized to the great animation and force of fire that now it was only fire? In the micro moment from the dream state to the fire awakening, there was this hardly detectable and yet discernible moment when I was awestruck. There had been this nano-second of knowing that I had in fact been born of fire. Then a swifter and more familiar process of cultural indoctrination swept over me - “Oh, it’s only the fire” - which quickly and effectively stamped out the possibility of leaning into this fleeting experience of interconnection with fire. Had I been duped by my culture, my modern contemporaries, and our modern industrial civilization? Had I been tricked into thinking that the world around me was dead? Or was “The world a communion of subjects not a collection of objects” as Thomas Berry earnestly advised?

I went back to that fleeting moment before the thought, “only the fire” emerged. And from there, I gazed back into the fire and started to cry. There was a feeling of connection and kindredness, and love. The fire felt like a friend of mine - like a living being that I could and did feel comfort from and love towards. I began to wonder about the extent of this fait accompli in my life. How had this conditioning affected my imagination? An imagination that can see and feel and boldly state that the stars are alive. How might I see, and learn to feel the earth and its various and myriad articulations as Beings endured and ensouled with consciousness?

As fait accompli implies, the scientists and philosophers, theologians and intellectuals already “decided” that the earth was a collection of objects to be used at our human will and disposal. I was left with no option but to accept it. And I have for 51 years.

Not anymore!

Live Streaming from Kentucky

I’m lying alone in my tent beside a stream in Kentucky; just listening. The rippling waters remind me that if I start listening for something, I’m off track. 

If I begin to think that the practice of listening has a goal - like to hear something worthy of writing about in these blog posts or to receive some nugget of wisdom to support my life’s journey, then I’ve also missed the mark. 

As I lie there listening, the stream from Kentucky beckons again - with its straightforward style and all the gentleness of the waters themselves - The practice itself is listening! 

Like the simple and yet profound power of our breathing, we’ve heard about the importance of listening so many times in our lives that it no longer holds any meaning for many of us. So at the risk of redundancy, let me repeat what I just said so that the simplicity and clarity of what I’m saying (to you and myself) can be understood. The practice is listening. That’s it! What follows listening may be action or something that requires us doing something but it all begins with the practice of being, which is to say, listening. 

As I engaged with this simple listening endeavor while lying in my sleeping bag in Kentucky, I imagined an ancient reciprocity between myself and the stream. Perhaps it makes its soothing music for us to hear? It’s an unrelenting and compelling invitation that wafts out on waves of sound. But who hears its calling these days? Who will sit and listen during these busy times when we must first be convinced of the value of something lest we “waste” our time? Will you go to the river? If you must, go ahead and bring your devices of distraction like books and smart phones but at least put them down for a spell so the beauty of the river can have its chance to remind you of your relationship with it. I’ve found that for many of us living in the dominant culture of the United States at least, the river is going to need some time to have its way with you in order to get through to you. It was undoubtedly easier for our ancestors but with each generation today, the work of re-membering with rivers and streams becomes more arduous and therefore requires more diligence, time, and effort. An intellectual acknowledgment of our interdependence simply won’t suffice.  

To my listening ears I heard the Middle Fork of the Red River in its untethered exuberance; a glowing example of what it looks and sounds like to fully and completely embody and express soul force! I thought, “You too can reveal your beauty in this way Knowles!”

What does the river wish to convey to you? 

Go sit beside it and just listen.

Attention, Presence & Imagination

Grout Pond before sunrise

Alone in my canoe well before dawn. When I am silent, attentive, curious, and leaning into the world around me there is magic and mystery. The earth is alive and I am enfolded into this mysterious vitality. 

I hear geese honking from afar. There is a dim light on the pond now with that mist that hangs just above the water. The geese, flying low through this mist as if they just emerged from the underworld, now have to veer from the bow of my canoe at the last moment and the tips of their wings float just a few feet from my paddle. I was awed because I had been attentive. I can’t count the times I’ve missed these encounters because of inattention, self absorption, or a conversation with others that one or both of us believed was more important than the beauty and mystery of nature around us. I wondered aloud, “Am I even welcome here when I’m not HERE“? Would I have had this encounter with the geese? 

A beaver, just before the sun rose, slapped its tail into the water, gently startling me and shattering the silence. I followed it with my attention and curiosity. And what happened? It followed me with its attention and curiosity. We watched each other, captivated for 20 minutes - him swimming around me, me attentive to his space and home and paddling around him as well. Both circling in unison. The wild world around us is being true to itself all the time. Each frog, leaf, cricket, bear, and breeze is always offering itself as it is, yet it’s our attention and presence that allows us to receive their presence as gifts. And to go a step further, it is our imagination, with its predecessor attention, which intensifies the gravity of the encounter and has the power to give it meaning. 

Perhaps an example of how attention and imagination hold this power would be helpful.

The day I was to be ordained as an Interfaith Minister I had been out on my deck having thoughts of whether or not I had truly earned this designation. Was I ready to be ordained a Reverend? I was wrestling with these thoughts when I noted a hawk circling high above my head being mobbed by a smaller bird. I felt this rush of chills and a confirmation in my body. “Yes Knowles, despite your doubts, you are worthy of this!” At that moment I understood that I had been ordained by Hawk. This was the highest ordination I could imagine; far superior to being ordained by an institution in my opinion. A year later, when I was about to officiate my very first wedding on a weekend in June, Hawk paid me another visit. I had just completed the wedding rehearsal and followed the procession out to the front of the Inn where we gathered in a parking lot. I stood there comfortably alone as the wedding party all chatted gleefully in anticipation for the following day. With one foot in confidence and the other with some measure of self-skepticism, I looked up into the blue air and saw Hawk again being mobbed by a smaller bird but circling much lower than before, perhaps only 40 feet above my head. No one noticed the hawk but me and the person I nudged to bring his attention to it. The significance didn’t occur to me right away until I drove home and was reflecting on the visitation. Upon reflection I said to myself aloud, “Maybe that was for me?” With that question I was overcome with that bodily knowing that grips us when we’re clear on something. And then, the tears of confirmation came; it was for me. I had been ordained by Hawk, but as if I wasn’t quite sure it could be true, Hawk came around again to say, “Yes Knowles, I’m here with you!” Attention and presence gave birth to the hawk encounter, and imagination, with its unmistakable feeling in the body that says YES, (sometimes followed by tears of confirmation) gave the experience meaning for me in my life.    

How do we shift from our egocentric way of being in the world to an ecocentric understanding of our place in the great web? Go out into the woods and love the earth and its wild beings. Be attentive and present and give them the opportunity to love you too.

November 2021 addendum:

Unlike a book or a song or a poem, there is beauty in this opportunity to return to these posts at a later date and acknowledge where I’ve grown since writing them. I would like to add an evolving understanding here that has been coming into focus for me since I made this post. My trips into the woods have taught me many things so far. One of them is the understanding that the visitation by Hawk in June of 2020 was NOT a wild ordination conferred by the great bird. More than likely it was a confirmation from Hawk that my institutional ordination had been approved. AND, at the same time, it was an invitation from Hawk to seek a Wild Ordination. The confirmation & invitation was reemphasized at the wedding in June of 2021. If I hadn’t been so ego-eager to earn this designation from the wild, I would perhaps have imagined the visits probably went more like this:

“Now that the institution has ordained you Knowles, it is now time to seek ordination here from the wild. You have been properly prepared for this, now come out into the woods and we’ll make a real chaplain/minister out of you; perhaps even an Eco-Chaplain!”

And this continues to be my work as I apprentice with earth. I have so much to learn. I will be patient and let the slow process cook over a hot fire. I’m listening.

Wantastiquet Speaks

Healing Circle Altar on Wantastiquet

On this listening trip into the wild I’m on Mt. Wantastiquet somewhere back behind Indian Pond where there’s no sounds but the forest itself. I’m sitting here in the dark, wet woods today as I set up a Healing Circle altar for my hospice client and his wife. What better place for a healing circle than the magic that is Wantastiquet. And it didn’t disappoint. 

I knew Wantastiquet held magic and mystery. Many years ago I hiked up to the summit on a full moon summer night. I laid out my sleeping bag under the stars and watched the night sky over Brattleboro, Vermont. Just as I was ready to close my eyes to sleep I located my home in the distance where my wife and two kids were sleeping. I said aloud, “Goodnight Stasia, Raisa, and Zealand; I love you!” I kissed my fingertips, pointed them towards my home, and blew this kiss to my family. Well at the exact same moment I blew that kiss over my home, a shooting star came blistering through the night sky and landed precisely over my home at the very same moment! I was stunned by this synchronous magic.  

Just to add some classic Knowles Wentworth foolhardiness to this post, I’ll point out that I was also working as a crisis clinician who happened to be on call this particular evening. Hell, it was a full moon, I couldn’t resist. Moments after I put my head down to sleep, still reeling from the mysterious shooting star, my pager went off. It was the Brattleboro Retreat - the local psychiatric hospital in town, and there was a patient there who wanted to leave. The Retreat wanted our second opinion approval before he left AMA. It was 12AM. I knew this person well, so I said I’d be there in a bit, ended the call, endearingly cursed the guy, and started to pack up my things. Not three minutes later, I got another page from the Retreat. “He’s decided to stay”. Phew, I thought, and crawled back into my bag. Two hours later, in a deep mountain sleep, the pager went off again. “He wants to leave again”. “Alright, I’ll be right there”. I hiked down under full moonlight and got to the Retreat by 2:45AM. 

Today on Wantastiquet, the mysterious power of the mountain showed its glory again. At 12 noon sharp, friends and family of a dear hospice client and his wife were to send loving energy their way through prayer, song, silence, loving thoughts, poetry, meditation, or the like. I set up an altar on a moss covered stump with a tea light and the images chosen by this hospice family - Frida Kahlo and the Alhambra in Granada, Spain. Each image held great power and beauty for this couple so they were chosen as mediums by which to focus our loving energy. I sat there minutes before the 12 o’clock hour and began imagining my friends beside each other holding hands. I put one hand on her shoulder and one hand on his heart visualizing the Reiki touch I’d just learned two weeks prior. There had been some chickadees but otherwise the woods lay silent except for the drops of rain dripping from the leaves to the forest floor. The moment my watch struck 12 noon a Barred Owl began to call from the mountain ledges just behind me. Did I mention that we were sending loving energy through prayer, song, silence, loving thoughts, poetry, and meditation? Seems I forgot to include loving energy from Wantastiquet through owl songs and calls. If we conjure loving energy to send to someone in particular, mountain and owl are happy to answer the call too if we include them!